What is “Niceness” Costing You?
There is one biblically-rooted quality you can cultivate in your life as a Christian woman to nurture more resilience, spiritual fruit and vitality…
Stop being so nice, and, instead, start being kind.
A few weeks ago, I was sharing my heart with a trusted mentor, telling her things I was struggling with. She looked at me and said, “Megan, you a very nice person. You are doing a lot of nice things. You are serving and sacrificing a lot, but have you considered if are you being kind to others and yourself right now?”
I paused and thought about her words, and felt slightly confused. “Shouldn’t I be nice as a Christian?”
She went on to remind me of the difference between niceness and kindness. Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit. Niceness often emerges from the fruit of the flesh. Niceness is sneaky because the world praises it. It looks great on the outside, but it can mask itself in various ways.
Often, when we are just being nice, we are doing it as a form of self protection and not genuine service to God or others. We fear that, if we do not say yes to something, the other person will think less of us, think we are a bad person, reject us, get mad at us, or even abandon us.
Niceness can also be driven by guilt and pride. It is often born out of a desire for social approval and rooted in survival. It can keep us boxed in, burnt out, suffocated, resentful, and constricted.
Kindness, on the other hand, invites us into spiritual formation and expansion. Kindness, again, is a fruit of the Spirit. Kindness is not afraid to say no when we know we are not giving our best yes or that saying yes will bring harm in the long run. Kindness stands for truth and tells the truth compassionately, even if the truth is not popular or might hurt someone’s feelings.
Here are a few examples:
Maybe you are asked to do something at work or church, and your plate is full. You say yes because you are a servant, but the entire time resentment is growing in your heart. You’re exhausted and depleted, and you go home and you snap at your roommate or husband and kids. Is that kind?
Maybe you have someone in your life who is clearly on a path of destruction, Rather than offering them an alternative perspective, you hold your tongue and stay silent out of fear of hurting their feelings. That appears nice, but is it kind?
Maybe you fill your schedule with good deeds from sun up to sun down, rushing your kids from one activity to the next, but you have little time to contemplate, be with your thoughts, pray, or have deeper conversations. You are overstimulated, exhausted, on edge, skipping meals and living in survival mode, saying, “One day we will slow down.” On the outside you look like a nice and busy servant, but what is going on the inside? This one is sneaky because it hides under service. It might be nice, but is it kind?
Some well-meaning people — much like you and me — are attempting to do good deeds and stay busy in hopes of pleasing God, but the Bible tells us that our good deeds are like filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6).
It is when we serve from worth, not trying to earn favor or approval, that our light shines back to Christ in its brightest.
Jesus embodied kindness. He served — and yes — pushed the limit, at times. But, He also spent a lot of time alone with God, deep in prayer, and said no at times. He told the truth even when it hurt people’s feelings. He asked hard questions that made people mad. He questioned popular narratives and traditions. He flipped tables. He was kind and meek. He is who we are to embody, even when it is uncomfortable. He says, “Come follow me...”
And, when we do, we are spiritually formed. Iron sharpens iron when we become kind in our relationships. Pride shrinks when we grow tired of attempting to control how others perceive us. We are refined more and more into His image each day.
My mentor gave me homework to explore the ways in which I am kind versus nice in my life, and I want to invite you to do the same in your life.
What is the difference between niceness and kindness?
In what ways are you potentially using niceness as a form of self protection?
What is niceness costing you?
In what ways can you be more kind?
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires." Galatians 5:22-24
Do you want to learn how to lead and serve from a posture of kindness and embodiment, rather than niceness and survival? Join us in the Aligned & Renewed Collective as we go through a 12-Week Nervous System Realignment Program!
